I have been stuck. When I was on vacation, in a moment of relaxed enthusiasm, I set up this Substack, thinking I was ready to jump back in and write things others might stumble upon and read. Once upon a time I had a blog and for a few years had a rhythm of writing there, an outlet for creativity and opportunity for connection. The ending of it coincided with some other painful endings, which may be why I have avoided beginning here again.
As a therapist, I am a big proponent of the Corrective Emotional Experience. This is a kind of do-over, trying again but not in the same dysfunctional way, as we all know that is supposed to be the definition of insanity. The idea is that if you experience something that in the past led to disappointment or even trauma, but now the outcome is positive, you can begin to believe deep down, in your nervous system (which is very involved with steering the ship of your life), that it is possible to have hope for better things. The therapeutic relationship is often a corrective emotional experience as people receive acceptance, or just being heard, often in a way they never have before. It can be life-changing.
This space is my corrective emotional experience. But it’s hard to get started.
I use an approach with my clients called Internal Family Systems. It conceptualizes people as having a core Self (as a Christian, you have a Spirit-led Self) that is meant to be in control of one’s life. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 6:22). However, brokenness fragments people, who end up operating out of “parts” of themselves, especially when triggered by emotional memories, reacting in various ways without thinking. We all do this. Everyone’s heard of fight, flight, or freeze (there is also “fawn,” which is people pleasing). God created us to look for safety and connection. If these basic needs are not met, our nervous systems quickly react in self-protective ways. Sometimes those reactions occur when there really is no threat, but parts of us perceive a threat that isn’t there, trying to protect us from bogeymen, shoving our Spirit-led selves out of the way to do so. Traumatic past experiences can fragment people into well-defended protective parts so that they struggle to trust themselves–their core Self–to calmly and rationally deal with the messiness of daily life.
Denzler “touches” the figure with the “otherness” of his painterly shudder---an expression of his psyche attempting to unfreeze the frozen woman, struggling to break the ice, as it were, and as such at odds with her appearance, altogether “other” than she is and as such a sign(ature) of Denzler’s “otherness,” the portraitist always other than the portrayed even as he must identify with her to “grasp” her. Denzler’s frozen female looks like a studio prop, a mannequin or doll rather than a human model—a mass produced thing that has broken down, as the figure’s fragmented appearance suggests, rather than an organic being. Indeed, she has been reified—turn into an inanimate thing—by her depression; Denzler’s painterly shudder is his attempt to de-reify her, and with that to snap her out of her depression, to bring her to life. A sort of sleeping beauty, Denzler’s painterly shudder is a sort of kiss that hopes to awaken her, to restore her to consciousness, and with that confirm that she is a living being not a dead thing.
As I said, we all have parts of ourselves that show up in protective ways. I have a strong Perfectionist part, whose reaction of choice is to freeze. Today I am giving this part of myself a corrective emotional experience by writing my first post in this space.
This morning, I did a little intervention with Perfectionist, to help her “unfreeze,” like Denzler is helping this fragmented and frozen woman in the painting above to do. Almost every morning, I write a page, a “Morning Page” as Julia Cameron encourages (she suggests three pages daily, but I can manage one). This is an unburdening of my brain before I can overthink things, and sometimes I surprise myself with the creativity that peeks through. Here is my unvarnished confrontation and then comforting of the part of me that has been fearfully keeping me silent:
I’m still having writer’s block–or maybe it’s more like writer’s paralysis. I can blather on here all day, but anything thoughtful, deliberate, planned and executed, seems too daunting. “What will people think?” is my mantra always. Why do those words have such sway over me? When will I get over it–over myself? It seems that I’ve made so much progress with not being self-conscious, until I turn around and (gasp!) get surprised by the specter of that part of me again. It really is a misnomer to call this being self-conscious. It’s more self-obscuration, a pseudo-self, an imposter. This part of me freezes in the face of scrutiny. She’s very convincing, though, looking so quietly pitiful. But she’s also very conniving, impostering as if she IS me, pay attention to ME, don’t hurt me, don’t notice me. (Clever–she very much wants to be noticed, but only on her terms.) Boo! Two can play at that game. Maybe I’ll just notice the heck out of you. Click–that’s the spotlight…open your eyes, look me in the eye. Good. I just have a few questions. Yes, it’s cold in here–actually, no, it’s not. You’re just frozen. Maybe I do need to turn the heat up a little so you can thaw. It’s okay…I’m here with you and I’m not mad at you. I just want to get to know you better, understand you more. It seems you’re very concerned that I will get hurt if I “expose” myself by writing things others might read. Look–you’re shivering! Here, let’s wrap you up in this nice, soft blanket. You know, that is so kind and thoughtful of you, trying to protect me like that. But really, what’s the worst that can happen? I know…you have a big imagination. But really, other people do have the right to think what they want, just like we do. We have opinions, right? Sometimes too many! And preferences (yes, we are working on that part of ourself). Let’s just take a deep breath and together break the proverbial ice. I’m with you in this, and I promise, even if the whole world is a critic, I’m still on your side.
“In a successful painting everything is integral–all the parts belong to the whole. If you remove an aspect or element you are removing its wholeness.” ~California painter Richard Diebenkorn
The ice is broken. I have written and I’m pushing “publish.” Perfectionist and I will stick together, unfragmenting, reifying through writing.
For more on Internal Family Systems:
Jenna Riemersma (Christian therapist, videos explaining IFS)
Alison Cook (Christian therapist, co-author of Boundaries for Your Soul)
Therapy Comics by Mardou
(When I went to St. Louis recently, I was impressed by the Saint Louis Art Museum. This Renoir painting of a “saucy” young woman was one that caught my eye. I’m pretty sure I have a saucy part of me, too. What parts of yourself do you notice?)
You are the second person today to mention morning pages-maybe this is an invitation I need to add to my morning. I like the flexibility of one page not three...three is alot!
Excited to be a subscriber and welcome to Sub-stack-it’s a great platform!
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